Monday, May 2, 2011

Oh boy.

So, what to say? First off, if you've stumbled across this blog, I apologize.  It won't always make sense and it won't always be pretty.  I'm not a writer, I'm a mother and thus I don't feel the need to be high-falootin' and use proper grammar and all that jazz. :D

First, I'm Diane- nice to meetchya! I'm not old, but I'm not young either! I'm in my mid-30s *technically late 30s, but let us just ignore that part, mmk?*, and the parent of three beautifully, wonderfully adorable children. All girls! Yay me!! K1 is 17, and brilliant *really, she is :D, I have the IQ test score to prove it!*,  she is in college and I'm super proud of her!  K2 is 11, and my faithful rock! She wants to be a missionary when she gets older and is already doing her part to be a summer missionary for Christian Youth in Action (CYIA). K3 is my baby girl, at eight-years-old. She is extremely smart and my challenge in life!  She is located somewhere on the Autism Spectrum (we've been told everything from high-functioning, to PDD-NOS), and my life wouldn't be the same without her.

Me? I'm just your average, run-of-the-mill mom.  I'm on a journey of self-discovery (sounds a LOT more thrilling than it actually is), you know, the usual stuff.  Recently diagnosed with diabetes, I am trying to get that under control by losing weight and walking, plus drinking lots of water. 
I'm also on a journey to explore my faith more. It seems that 'the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak', is very appropriate for me at this point. After attending an independent fundamental church for a little over one year, I am struggling to deal with feelings of guilt (for so many things that people take for granted- like wearing pants), and wondering if my walk with Christ is really MY walk with Christ or if it was simply something that I was 'told' to have.  
I believe in God. I believe that Christ died on the cross and rose three days later.  I get that. I do.   What I'm having a really, REALLY hard time with is that He did it for me. Because you know what? I'm pretty rotten.  And I know this, and He knows this.  I'm not always nice to people, and I'm not always in the greatest of moods with my kids. I lose my temper, I've just in this past week cursed and took a puff off a cigarette. On the SAME day that I'd just got done stating my resolve to start growing closer to God.  Can we say hypocrite?
:(   Not proud of it, but it is me being real. 

So, how do I get that 'peaceful, easy feeling' (wonderful, now I have an Eagles song stuck in my head!!) that seems to follow other Christians?  I dunno.  Maybe they don't really have that peace either?  I know a few stand-up Christians though, and all I know is that I want what they have. I want that peace and that inner joy.  But deep down, I know I don't deserve it.  I just don't understand because I didn't feel this way until I started going to that other church, and I don't know how to make other people understand what is going on in my head either. 

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