Meh.

Normally, I'm pretty good at faking being happy (or else I'm just good at fooling myself into thinking that I'm good at faking being happy!).  I'm getting tired of pretending that everything is hunky-dory in my little corner of the world.  There is so much more that I want out of life, and I realize that the only one holding me back is me.  That is why I'm sending K2 and K3 back to public school this fall. I've loved having them home and I really feel that we've bonded over this past year, but let us face the truth here for a moment, shall we?  I am not a teacher.  I'm a great mom; I was a pretty good wife when I was married, but, a teacher I am not.  I don't have the patience to teach the girls.  Maybe if there weren't the outside challenges of K2 having dyslexia or maybe if K3 wasn't so intelligent that I cannot keep her mind engaged.  But, I gave it the old college try, right?  I had entertained the idea of homeschooling prior to this year, but I was highly influenced by the church we had started attending (remember the church from the first post?), and convinced that public schooling was a sin in God's eyes.  So, now I'm waffling between feelings of being liberated (HA!! I can go out and maybe find a job and just have some much needed ME time) and horrifying, gut-wrenching guilt (OH MY GOSH!! I'm dooming my children to Hell *wail*) and I'm pretty sure that I'll continue to feel this way until I put them on the bus.  And will continue to feel that way, especially the first time one of them comes home crying because of something that happens at school.  Or the first time they come home telling me about all the ungodly things they do in public school.  *sigh* See? Already making myself feel guilty as crap and they're in the living room eating toast!
This is another one of those 'do what you feel is best' moments, when I'm not sure that I know what I feel is best.  Money wise, it'll be a help to have them in public school because I won't be buying stuff for breakfast, lunch, snacks seven days a week.  Emotionally though? I'm a wreck.  Would I continue homeschooling if I could afford the 'actual' curriculum? In a heartbeat because I cherish having the girls with me and I know I'm going to miss having that connection with them.   Still, $521 bucks is a lot to cough up at one time, so the reality is they are going back to school.  K3 is happy because she wants to join the cheer leading squad *waits for everyone to pick their jaws up off the floor*, I know, I know! Surprised me too!  Even when I explained to her that cheerleaders are required to be friendly, cheerful and smile at people (although, to be honest...she DID change her mind for about two days because of that statement), so we'll see.  Maybe my little autistic caterpillar is getting ready to come out of her cocoon and become the beautiful butterfly that I can see hiding behind those amazing green eyes.  K2 is kinda like me; wishy-washy on the whole mess. She'd like to have friends her own age and join the soccer team but she'd also be content staying at home and being taught by me.