Wolf in Sheep's Clothing...

Saw a clip last night during the concert that really hit home with me. It was a man, holding a lamb talking about the protective electric fence that he has in place to keep out the predators that would try to kill the sheep. And you know as he talked about really understanding the way we (His flock) are compared to sheep in the Bible, it made me realize that as parents, that's how we're supposed to be too. We're supposed to put a fence around our young lambs (children) to keep the predators away from them. There are so many wolves in sheep’s' clothing just dying to get their claws into our children and tear them away from having a good upbringing. And the wolves aren't just after the young lambs, they're after the shepherds (parents) too, because isn't it easier for the wolf to get the sheep if the shepherd is distracted? Wolves don't always come covered in fur with big scary fangs, sometimes they're dressed up as a movie star, pop singer, television star, rap singer, country singer..And we're good at spotting those (most of the time) but what about the wolves that are dressed up as moms? Dads? Other family members or friends? What about the computer? Porn? Television? Food? Alcohol? I get teased sometimes for being too overprotective of my daughters, but the question really is, am I protective enough? Are you?

What is my purpose in life?

I'm sitting here, and this is the fourth time I've tried writing something.  I have so much on my mind and I just don't know how to say it.  So, I guess I'll just write as I think and if it doesn't make sense, well...sorry about that!
First up, the Rapture. Supposedly happening this Saturday (May 21st), now I know that nobody knows the day or hour. I've got that. I promise.  But deep down? In that dark little spot that everyone has but nobody ever really wants to talk about?  In that deep dark little corner of my mind, I'm scared.  Why you may ask? Because I have children that I am terrified aren't saved. K1 is my smart-as-a-whip daughter, too smart for her own good at times. She doesn't believe in God. Period.  I know that she has passed the age of accountability and that terrifies me.  K3 is only eight.  EIGHT.  The thought of the rapture happening and her being left behind, alone...is enough to take my breath away.  Everyone I ask says that the age of accountability differs with each person, but it all boils down to being able to know the difference between right and wrong.  She knows right from wrong, so it scares me. She has professed to have asked Christ into her heart, but she's eight.  Do you know how many times I made that same profession before I finally got it right?  Shoot, there are still days when I question myself and I am 37-years-old.  I have friends and family members that I know for a fact aren't saved and that breaks my heart.  I don't want to think about anyone being left behind, but I know that it will happen. 

Next up...what is my purpose in life?   I'm just kinda drifting along, not really sure what it is that I'm supposed to be doing.  I see so many people in need and my heart breaks for them.  I wish I had the money to help people.  I know what they are going through, I've been there before.  I've been homeless, I've been hurt.  I know what it is like to feel like there is nothing left to live for and to feel like giving up. But I also know what it feels like to have God reach down, touch my life and turn me around. It is only by His Grace that I'm not out in a gutter somewhere drinking my life away or shooting up to make the pain go away.  I know that He has made changes in my life and I don't spend enough time thanking Him for all that He has done. God has been so good to me, He has blessed me with a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back.  I just wish that everyone could see, understand what God can do for them. 
Wow, this is actually helping my stomach not hurt so much. Am I a perfect person? Uh...no.  When I see someone that I don't like having wonderful things happen to them..I have that twinge of 'are you kidding me? THEM?' yep, I sure do.  I still have to fight the urge to gossip about certain people and most of the time, I fail :(     
I am an emotional eater.  I want to lose weight so badly but I'll sabotage myself.  I hide behind my weight so that I can have something to blame my failures on.  Relationship didn't work? It was because I'm not skinny enough for so-and-so.  Hard time fitting in at church? It's because everyone else is so skinny and not wanting to get to know the fat woman.   My weight has been my shield for so long that attempting to shed it scares me.  Who am I if I'm not heavy?  Being heavy has been my identity for so many years that I'm afraid to discover who I really am.  I guess that is what this all boils down to on the inside..in that dark little spot.  Who am I and what is my purpose in life?

Sooo ummmm..........

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I speak to people, and more importantly, how I speak to my children.  I wouldn't dream of telling someone that I've just met to 'shut up' or sigh impatiently when someone is trying to speak to me, yet I'm guilty of doing these things to the most important people in my life!!  B and I were talking about certain things having a stronghold on our lives, and praying to God for help in breaking these strongholds, well one of my strongholds is my attitude.  I've got a lousy one where my girls are concerned.  Yes, I love them dearly, and yes, they are the lights of my life but no, I don't treat them with as much love and respect as I could be doing.  I don't always say 'Please' or 'Thank you' to them, and I certainly don't always remember to tell them what a good job they're doing, or how much I appreciate the fact that they are really amazing kids.  I hear some parents speak to their children and it breaks my heart, no child deserves to be cursed at or made to feel less than human! My children are a gift from God and I am so blessed to be their mom but sometimes I get overwhelmed and lose my temper.  I'm not proud of my temper, and I'm not going to be one of those people that boast about their 'God-given' temper mainly because I realize that my temper doesn't come from God but rather from having a lack of self-control.   B suggested that each day, try to replace one evil behavior with one good behavior, so I'm going to really make that effort to remember that my girls are going to grow up and become women that  I influence them to become, for better or for worse.  Because it isn't up to anyone else to raise my girls into strong Christian women that are capable of creating friendships and relationships with people. 

Intro to people that are kinda sorta important to me :D

In my wild and fantastic life, there are a number of people that are kinda important to me.  So, that means that if you're reading my blog, they're gonna become kinda important to you too! (Just amuse me here people!)

My Children 

K1 -17, female
K2-11, female
K3-8, also female :)  

My kids are my life.  I love them more than I ever thought possible and my worst day with them is still better than any day without them! 

My Family

H- My father (I'd tell ya his age, but 1. I can't remember and 2. He'd kill me!) 
      He is amazing and I love him! 
D- My mommy!  She is my inspiration!   She has overcome many obstacles in her life and despite having muscular dystrophy; she has raised four kids and helped raise numerous grand kids! She rocks!!
L- Oldest sister and she is the one that I would say I am the closest with, we share a lot of the same views and I know that even though we have our fights, I can always count on her.  She has seven kids and one granddaughter.
K- Middle sister, we’re not as close as I wish we were but we both are pretty busy with our own lives! She has two little girls.
M- The baby of the group! She is the most adventurous of the group and she has traveled to soo many places!!   

My Friends

SG- one of my closest friends, she is also the one that drives me crazy the most.  She is one of the best Christian ladies that I know and I love her dearly!
B- another beautiful Christian lady, her sweet spirit instantly calm me when I'm upset.. I treasure both of these friendships!!
KF-  My friend that lives across the street from me (well, one of my friends that live across the street..lol), she is wild, crazy, sweet and the most devoted mother I've ever met in my life!!!   I would be lost without her because she keeps me grounded!! She is mommy to one of the silliest five-years-old I've ever met!!
LH- Another friend from across the street, she has been my shoulder to whine on more times than I can remember!! Another great mom, I'm lucky to be surrounded by such good influences!!
C- She and I just recently started talking and let me tell you about this crazy chick, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE her laugh!!!! She is so blunt and straight forward, I love it!! She also has two young girls that K2 and K3 love to play with!!
SP- She is another friend that I would be lost without because she has listened to me whine, cry, pout and yet still manages to be my friend..lol 
Her daughter J and I are also friends and she is so silly too!! SP is raising her beautiful grand daughter!
E - She has been such a wonderful friend to me! Without her, I would have been completely overwhelmed last year when dealing with K3 and all that has needed to be put into place!!
J- He is the man I am madly in love with :D   (Feel better?)  Okay, lol he is pretty important to me, but at the moment..he lives in Florida and I live in NC and we're both pretty busy, so we don't talk nearly as much as I would like :(   

My Autism Mommies

C-  I'd be crazy without being able to read her posts and go 'Man..I can relate to that!!', she keeps me sane!!
E- Another great mom that has made me realize I'm not the only one out here!!


There are more, but these are the people that I find myself talking about the most!!  

Name change!

Since my old blog name 'Diary of a Confused Fat Woman' caused my friend B to become distressed, I have changed the name.  Obviously.  So, although I don't always feel sunshine and happiness, if it makes her feel better..I'm okay with that :) 

Meh.

Normally, I'm pretty good at faking being happy (or else I'm just good at fooling myself into thinking that I'm good at faking being happy!).  I'm getting tired of pretending that everything is hunky-dory in my little corner of the world.  There is so much more that I want out of life, and I realize that the only one holding me back is me.  That is why I'm sending K2 and K3 back to public school this fall. I've loved having them home and I really feel that we've bonded over this past year, but let us face the truth here for a moment, shall we?  I am not a teacher.  I'm a great mom; I was a pretty good wife when I was married, but, a teacher I am not.  I don't have the patience to teach the girls.  Maybe if there weren't the outside challenges of K2 having dyslexia or maybe if K3 wasn't so intelligent that I cannot keep her mind engaged.  But, I gave it the old college try, right?  I had entertained the idea of homeschooling prior to this year, but I was highly influenced by the church we had started attending (remember the church from the first post?), and convinced that public schooling was a sin in God's eyes.  So, now I'm waffling between feelings of being liberated (HA!! I can go out and maybe find a job and just have some much needed ME time) and horrifying, gut-wrenching guilt (OH MY GOSH!! I'm dooming my children to Hell *wail*) and I'm pretty sure that I'll continue to feel this way until I put them on the bus.  And will continue to feel that way, especially the first time one of them comes home crying because of something that happens at school.  Or the first time they come home telling me about all the ungodly things they do in public school.  *sigh* See? Already making myself feel guilty as crap and they're in the living room eating toast!
This is another one of those 'do what you feel is best' moments, when I'm not sure that I know what I feel is best.  Money wise, it'll be a help to have them in public school because I won't be buying stuff for breakfast, lunch, snacks seven days a week.  Emotionally though? I'm a wreck.  Would I continue homeschooling if I could afford the 'actual' curriculum? In a heartbeat because I cherish having the girls with me and I know I'm going to miss having that connection with them.   Still, $521 bucks is a lot to cough up at one time, so the reality is they are going back to school.  K3 is happy because she wants to join the cheer leading squad *waits for everyone to pick their jaws up off the floor*, I know, I know! Surprised me too!  Even when I explained to her that cheerleaders are required to be friendly, cheerful and smile at people (although, to be honest...she DID change her mind for about two days because of that statement), so we'll see.  Maybe my little autistic caterpillar is getting ready to come out of her cocoon and become the beautiful butterfly that I can see hiding behind those amazing green eyes.  K2 is kinda like me; wishy-washy on the whole mess. She'd like to have friends her own age and join the soccer team but she'd also be content staying at home and being taught by me.

To share or not to share..that is the question..

Okay, so...do I share this blog with friends or do I continue to be a greedy little heifer and keep it to myself?  Part of me feels like this could be therapeutic and all that junk, and the other part of me feels like this could be something that would truly interest some people..(I know, I know!! Who am I kidding?)  I mean, cuz really this thing is probably going to be pretty boring because it is about my life and quite frankly, I bore myself at the best of times..lol I cannot start trying to become entertaining for the Internet! 


Hmm..meanwhile, while I'm pondering on the whole sharing thing..
I had a pretty good talk with SG today (a really wonderful woman, with a faith in Christ that simple astounds me, I consider her one of my closest friends and think she is just a sweetheart..and if you tell her I said that, I will DENY DENY DENY!!). I keep letting myself get pushed around into doing things that I don't want to do! I allow everyone to turn me in circles, and I allow this in my desire to please everyone but the result is that I end up making EVERYONE unhappy, including me!  Everyone keeps saying 'do what makes you happy, do what you think is best' but the minute I actually do do what makes me happy or what I think is best, I'm made to feel guilty! Or rather, I allow myself to feel guilty!  I wish sometimes I could be one of those people that simply speak their mind about whatever they wish and if people don't like it, oh well!  I'm not like that though.  For the most part, I cannot stand to hurt people or get them mad at me, it makes me sick to my stomach :(      I'm a wuss.  And I'm tired. So. Goodnight. 

Oh boy.

So, what to say? First off, if you've stumbled across this blog, I apologize.  It won't always make sense and it won't always be pretty.  I'm not a writer, I'm a mother and thus I don't feel the need to be high-falootin' and use proper grammar and all that jazz. :D

First, I'm Diane- nice to meetchya! I'm not old, but I'm not young either! I'm in my mid-30s *technically late 30s, but let us just ignore that part, mmk?*, and the parent of three beautifully, wonderfully adorable children. All girls! Yay me!! K1 is 17, and brilliant *really, she is :D, I have the IQ test score to prove it!*,  she is in college and I'm super proud of her!  K2 is 11, and my faithful rock! She wants to be a missionary when she gets older and is already doing her part to be a summer missionary for Christian Youth in Action (CYIA). K3 is my baby girl, at eight-years-old. She is extremely smart and my challenge in life!  She is located somewhere on the Autism Spectrum (we've been told everything from high-functioning, to PDD-NOS), and my life wouldn't be the same without her.

Me? I'm just your average, run-of-the-mill mom.  I'm on a journey of self-discovery (sounds a LOT more thrilling than it actually is), you know, the usual stuff.  Recently diagnosed with diabetes, I am trying to get that under control by losing weight and walking, plus drinking lots of water. 
I'm also on a journey to explore my faith more. It seems that 'the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak', is very appropriate for me at this point. After attending an independent fundamental church for a little over one year, I am struggling to deal with feelings of guilt (for so many things that people take for granted- like wearing pants), and wondering if my walk with Christ is really MY walk with Christ or if it was simply something that I was 'told' to have.  
I believe in God. I believe that Christ died on the cross and rose three days later.  I get that. I do.   What I'm having a really, REALLY hard time with is that He did it for me. Because you know what? I'm pretty rotten.  And I know this, and He knows this.  I'm not always nice to people, and I'm not always in the greatest of moods with my kids. I lose my temper, I've just in this past week cursed and took a puff off a cigarette. On the SAME day that I'd just got done stating my resolve to start growing closer to God.  Can we say hypocrite?
:(   Not proud of it, but it is me being real. 

So, how do I get that 'peaceful, easy feeling' (wonderful, now I have an Eagles song stuck in my head!!) that seems to follow other Christians?  I dunno.  Maybe they don't really have that peace either?  I know a few stand-up Christians though, and all I know is that I want what they have. I want that peace and that inner joy.  But deep down, I know I don't deserve it.  I just don't understand because I didn't feel this way until I started going to that other church, and I don't know how to make other people understand what is going on in my head either.